I need to just get a few things off my chest as just write about how much I hate being pregnant. I know some people may read this and think well at least you can get pregnant, and yes I'm fully grateful for that but please don't feel like you need to hate on me for hating this pregnancy.
So if you have read any of my previous pregnancy related posts you will see that it has been a bit complicated but, apparently not difficult enough as I now have gestational diabetes. I thought just going for the test and drinking the nasty drink would be the only time I had to visit the hospital on a Wednesday, unfortunately not I'm now there Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Each visit I have to leave work early and I can't go back as clinic is normally 2-3 hours depending how busy etc. So I feel like I'm letting work down which I know shouldn't bother me that much as it's something that is out of my control, but I love my job and the people I work with and I feel like maybe they are getting sick and tired of my crap too. Another annoying factor of being a part time resident on the ante natal ward is, parking!! each visit can cost me up to £5.20 then there is the petrol and the sitting in traffic for ages in Leeds.
When I had my first appointment for my gestational diabetes I felt like I could do this, like I could just cut out so much and crack this without meds. I was angry that I had yet another restriction on this pregnancy, I felt like the only thing left that I could enjoy was taken away from me. The first week I did what I could and although I was starving I felt that I was doing well, no chocolate, smaller portion size, the odd glass of pepsi max and eating less in general. However each time I tested my blood glucose levels they were not what they needed to be at at all. This is when I began feeling like I am now, like I'm just useless. It's isn't just the diabetes making me feel this way, my body has issues and having a baby is one of them, my thyroid is useless which can cause issues if not managed properly throughout pregnancy, my cervix can't do it's job without medical intervention and now my body has some kind of a useless work ethic in making insulin.
When I went back to the hospital last Wednesday I had the baby checked, she is doing well she is 5th on the 95th percentile if you understand all of that, I don't but I know that she is doing fine so that's good. However when I saw the consultant she was awful basically told me I'm doing crap at managing this diabetes and then gave me some tips on how to try and get my levels down, which are totally impractical for a few reasons for example I eat breakfast and lunch at work so going for a half an hour walk after eating is not do able, neither is preparing a full meal for lunch rather then sandwiches and other pack up food. She also said that if I'm hungry it is tough I will have to ignore it, at this point I'm angry and wondering if she has ever been pregnant!! She then prescribed me metformin and said if things do not improve by next week that I will go on insulin. When she told me I would end on insulin she also informed me that I should maybe take this more seriously as insulin will make me fat, I was hurt that she thought I wasn't taking this seriously and the threat of me getting fat would some sort of a difference. I have been trying real hard not because I want to avoid getting fat but because of my baby!!! Anyway my levels have not improved and I also found out by one of the midwives (who was giving me my weekly pain in my arse) that the medication for my thyroid and the progesterone injections will affect my blood glucose levels anyway. So why am I still trying because all I'm doing is failing no matter what I try, eat or do.
This pregnancy has fully knocked me and I'm sick of people saying well just think of the end result and it will all be worth it in the end. That may be so but it's bloody hard and being told I can't enjoy a tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream on top of the other don't do this or that really sucks, this baby wants ice cream and so do I damn it. I have nothing left to enjoy as I can't even plan how I would like my labour as my diabetes dictates that as well, even though I knew I would be getting induced I thought I would still have a bit of the birth plan to pick myself but nope nothing.