Saturday, 28 January 2017

Miscarriage At 17 And 18 Weeks

Excitement. Happiness. Joy. Fear.

All words of what emotions you go through during pregnancy. I would say fear normally approaches around the third trimester, you know when your waters break or you have contractions. Fear sets in whether it is your first, second or third baby, labour is damn scary! 

I was 18 when I experienced labour and the pain of contractions. Although the pain was numbed by a number of different drugs that I was given. The labour was quick and not really as painful as I had imagined it would be, but then maybe that's because I had just given birth 17 weeks into pregnancy. My pregnancy had been normal. I had started to feel my baby move so I knew everything was ok plus I was over the 12 week mark so that meant everything from this point was fine, right? I wish that had been the case I wish everything would be fine after 12 weeks, not just for me but for every woman out there.

I had plans to meet my friend we were going to go and get some shopping, I had been struggling with the heat so we had arranged to go early in the morning. That morning I woke up and was in a panic as I had over slept by an hour, damn heat was taking everything out of me. I went to the toilet and that's when fear struck! There was blood. I went and knocked on my friends flat wrapped in just a towel, she was out. I was alone. I rang my partner of the time's work and had to explain what was happening. He was out on a patrol so a few colleagues were sent until he could arrive. At this point my bathroom looked like a scene from a horror film, blood was everywhere and there was no sign of me stopping bleeding. I started to throw up and lose conciousness. I had heard the guys speaking an ambulance was on it's way and my partner had arrived. I was so scared. As soon as I arrived at hospital I was placed on a maternity ward, I didn't understand what was going on and the fact I was in Germany and couldn't speak the language didn't help. I was quickly hooked up to drips and given some other medicine. In broken English I was told I had to deliver my baby, I felt the contractions and I had to push my baby out. I was then rushed away to theatre. I had haemorrhaged and lost a lot of blood there was a blood transfusion ready for me but luckily by a few ml I didn't need it. I was given a picture of my baby and then left on a maternity ward listening to the cry of hungry babies and the coo of happy mothers. The last place I wanted to be was surrounded by newborns. I was heart broken, I can't put into words how to describe the pain I felt. I wish the pain was just physical at least that could be numbed. 

I fell pregnant again fairly quickly, this time I wasn't so happy. I was petrified. I followed the books completely I was determined to keep this baby safe and sound until they were ready to meet the world. Everything was going well I managed to get a week further in the pregnancy then one night I was walking to the shop when suddenly there was a gush. My waters had broke. I worked in the shop and the girl who worked the late shift got me a chair and rung for an ambulance this time my partner was with me. I was taken away to hospital and placed on a load of monitors. It was different this time everything seemed calm, I was told my waters had gone but if they could build up then the baby could make it to a safe stage to be delivered. Six weeks at least. I had hope and feeling my baby still kicking about made it a lot easier too. In the morning various Doctors came in to examine me and feel my tummy, I asked questions and never got a straight answer. Later in the day the midwife explained that there was nothing they could do, my waters weren't building back up the sac was ruptured and they would have to induce me into labour. My baby was still alive, I could feel them moving and the monitor showed the heartbeat. The midwife said she would let me chose when I was ready to be induced. Never. I asked what would happen to my baby as they were still alive, I was told that as soon as I had delivered the baby would die. They had basically asked me to chose a time I wanted to kill my baby, it was the hardest decision I've ever made. Again I was on a ward full of screaming babies, I felt like I was being tortured. Rubbing salt into the wounds. After giving birth to my baby I began bleeding badly and needed surgery. It seemed my body wasn't very good at dealing with babies and birth. When I came back from surgery I was asked if I wanted to hold my baby. I spent hours cuddling my baby and talking, reading, singing. I cried so hard when I had to let go.

After both of my miscarriages my body tormented me, my boobs were full and leaking. I went shopping and had a big wet patch some lady said something about having time away from the baby is good until I told her my baby was dead. She wasn't to know. What helped me cope with the losses was naming my boys, Anthony-Lee and Leon. I wrote poems and letters and had pictures of them which I kept together in a box. I believe that they are together growing and playing being cared for by my Nan and Grandad. I refuse to believe that there is life on earth and nothing after. My boys were buried one of them in Walsrode (Germany) and Salisbury. I don't get to visit the graves as I'm far away but I never forget them and I have tattoo's for them.

I have created a petition, I would love for hospitals to have a separate area for women who are suffering a miscarriage or stillbirth. I know a whole ward is not needed but if they had an adjoining section away from the new babies I think this mentally helps women and their partners come to terms with their loss. It was so hard holding my baby whilst hearing other babies scream not to mention the midwife thinking my baby was alive and healthy. I believe that having a separate area would help so much, please sign and share my petition. https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/177996
Stressed Mum has kindly let me share the link to her story here.
Never think you are alone because you are not x