Thursday, 16 June 2016

I'm sick of being mum


Photo by Alex Jones https://unsplash.com/photos/p0W9Q9gei4g

I'm writing this minuets after my 4 year old has thrown yet another tantrum. Part of me feels guilty for writing this and I'm not 100% sure I'm going to post this but I can't seriously be the only mum sat thinking I don't want this. 

When I pictured being a mum I knew that it wouldn't be easy but my god I never knew I could feel so angry and disappointed with my child yet still love them so much. The past few weeks, months?! (the days merge now) have been horrendous and not just because of my son. I'm still here there and everywhere with this pregnancy, school run and trying to sort this damn house out as well as a thousand other things. My son's behaviour lately just isn't helping and I'm finding myself wanting to throw in the towel. I have pack a bag and unpacked a bag god knows how many times with the intention of just going away and leaving it all behind. Of course I would have to come back and nothing would of be solved, and can I really leave them?

I'm sick of giving everything for everyone else, I want to be selfish but I just can't do it!! I want to buy something fun to make me smile but instead something is bought either for the boy, baby, dog or boyfriend. Is there some unwritten mummy rule that makes us bottom of the pecking line?!       
I'm sick of being the taxi to school and having the get up battle after having the go to sleep battle a few hours before. I'm sick of cooking lunch and dinner for it to be wasted and end up in the dogs bowl. I don't want to pick up your mess or hoover or wash your clothes any more. I'm tired of all that crap! 

Do the super snuggly cuddles make up for all this? Or the "I love you mummy", squiggle drawings from school and sweet smiles? I'm not so sure they do any more. The love for my son will be unconditional forever but I'm beginning to think this exhaustion and stress is going to last just as long, it's like a tug of war. 

Today I'm more angry with him then I ever have been, I even packed his bag!! Please tell me I'm not the only mum to do this? but I packed his bag and was ready to put him in the car and drive him somewhere I'm not sure where possibly his nan's. Today was hard because he started screaming at me because I wouldn't let him play in the rain, I tried the go on then go play in the rain and followed him outside. He screamed it was cold and I said well this is why I don't want you playing out in it, he hit me because he was getting wet. I picked him up and took him to his room where he just erupted into a horrid child, he kicked me, scratched me and slapped me. He screamed in my face I screamed back tears rolling down my face wondering why is he doing this again? He slammed his gate and was so angry he ended up breaking it, he was trying to shut his door with my hand in the way whilst trying to fix his gate. He is now asleep, I have cried and later he will act like nothing happened. 

I'm exhausted and can't do this any more, where has my sweet boy gone? how do I make it stop? am I the only mum to feel like running from it all? am I a monster for hating him?